So…I’m pregnant, in case you didn’t know. And this little journey of building a human is nearing its end. Doctors are in agreement that my body is definitely in the early stages of labor and baby could come “any day now,” but we all know they have their own agenda and that could mean tomorrow, or three weeks from now.
This last month has been hard, to say the least. I knew it would be, and about 1,583 moms made sure to remind me of this on a daily basis. But I didn’t anticipate feeling THIS bad. Constant pain, near-constant Toni Braxton Hicks, and overall sense of blah…It’s just…hard. Physically, I’m spent. Mentally, my brain has no shut-off right now. Any and every thought about this baby, life changes, financial worries, what have you, is on my mind 24/7. A baby is really coming. Like…soon.
On January 5, I was 4 days “late.” Not much in the grand scheme of things, especially for someone with a history of hormonal issues. But I felt off. And after our “if it’s meant to be, it will be” thoughts about having a baby, I knew there was a good chance. So I took a test…and low and behold, there they were…two pink lines. Immediate even, no 3-minute wait was needed. I laughed, I stared, I cried, then laughed some more because I never thought a “first try” would get us there. I started this blog a day before I took the test with a letter to my future child, and the next day, I confirmed they were actually there and ready to embark on this journey with me.
I’ve never been so scared, anxious, excited, worried in one single moment in all my life, aside from the moment I laid eyes on James, in person, for the first time, as he came down an escalator in a California airport, 7 and a half years ago. And here it was again, I may have been alone in that bathroom at that exact moment, but he was with me, filling my heart and soul again, with a profound feeling of love and adoration. We had created this life, and I had been trusted to carry it along.
I didn’t tell him until that night, because, well, I’m a sentimental crazy person who has to make a production of things. And being that we both love shoes, I decided I’d go out and get little bean’s first shoes to announce this to him. I was a wreck all day. Not sure how he didn’t notice. Later that night, I presented him with a wrapped box with a note inside, and a cute pair of shoes…
We were both ecstatic, and thus, began our journey with “little bean.”
We told no one, aside from my mom, for 9 weeks. Or I told my mom, rather, in a blurt-it-out-like-a-crazy-person kind of way. We knew Brennan should know he was going to be a big brother, but we wanted to be sure everything was good and healthy. At my 9 week appointment, we heard a heartbeat, I cried, and a big brother was told…
We waited until 12 weeks to tell the rest of the family and 13 weeks to let friends know. Not sure how I kept it under wraps, seeing as how I felt like death every day and was barely eating. Drinking Sprite with lime wedges at my company party in January worked like a charm so people wouldn’t notice I wasn’t having cocktails…Otherwise, I looked and felt awful.
Once again, being the sentimental girl that I am, I knew a simple facebook status update wouldn’t cut it when it came to announcing this little tiny bean, so I went about 35 steps further and came up with a crazy video idea, which we filmed in 20 degree weather, ourselves, with a tripod…
It’s been an amazing time, I’ve been healthy and everything has progressed normally. Some days haven’t been easy, but I think pregnancy really shocks your system, but every moment, feeling, ache or pain is worth it. I always wondered what it would be like, would I hate being pregnant? Would I be hormonal and awful? Would I be just fine? Would I be puking my face off? And I realized along the way, you can’t predict any of it. It’s a “live in the moment” kind of a thing in the truest sense of that phrase. It’s an experience like no other and even has some awkward there-goes-my-dignity kind of moments. And moments of extreme pride in your body, even for this girl who’s been insecure most of her life. I’ve enjoyed every month, every milestone, even the bad ones, because it all makes up this incredible time in my life that is my one and only “first pregnancy.” I’m sarcastic and cynical by nature, and humor is how I travel through life, and I’ve had a lot of funny moments throughout the year relating funny things to pregnancy. Crass comments, jokes about labor and bodily functions, just doing my best along the way to take everything in stride. And I haven’t been a hormonal monster, unless James is lying to save himself from said monster.
Being in the third trimester has been trying, and this last month has been the hardest. I’m complaining, a lot sometimes, but just trying to deal. And while I’m excited for little bean to be born, I can’t help but feel sentimental that it’s all coming to an end, which is something I never thought I’d be feeling. But sharing this time with my baby, and feeling her wiggle around has been amazing and surely something I’ll miss. I won’t miss the “lightening crotch,” however…whoever came up with that term deserves an award.
It’s a waiting game, but we all know this, and I’ve been reminiscing about all things pregnancy and just thinking about all I’ve been through and what’s to come. I can’t believe my life is at this moment, and I’m so glad I took the time to document everything here so I can look back, because some things have already become hazy, and I like to remind myself of how far I’ve come.
We’re so lucky to have her, and we hope she feels the same about us.
Any day now…we’ll get to say, “hello, little bean…” and the rest will be history in the making. It’s just the beginning of our story.