I’d rather hoped my first post of the new year would be different, but alas, here we are…talking about infertility…again…
Months continue to go by…my hopes of having another baby in the spring of 2018 are LONG gone. My hopes of having a baby sometime, anytime, in the spring or summer of 2018 are LONG gone as well. A baby in the fall of 2018 is also unlikely, making it more and more apparent that a baby in 2018 at all would be a miracle.
Needless to day, we still cannot conceive and there are no answers as to why. I had a couple of tests recently and others more than a year ago. No sign of anything that can inhibit conceiving and carrying a child.
It’s painful, but most months lately, I feel a bit numb. It’s not that I don’t feel all the feelings, it’s just that I’ve gotten used to reproduction not working and the feeling has just become normal. I’ve discussed it before on my blog and also on my Instagram feed. I’ve become hesitant to share because people have had some strong opinions. It’s already difficult enough and I just don’t need most of the outside opinions. But I brought it out myself and opened myself up to it, so I guess it’s to be expected. But it doesn’t make it easier.
It’s sad. Hurtful. Downright shitty. It’s infertility. Or secondary infertility, for those who prefer categorizations of levels of infertility. But it really doesn’t matter, because no matter how you look at it, it means I can’t get pregnant. And I’m growing tired of it and some days I wonder when my heart will decide to throw in the towel, when my emotions have had enough. Then that lingering question pops up again, “Will I always have this desire for this child I cannot bear? Will it always burn inside of me or will I someday find peace knowing it just isn’t meant to be?”
I don’t know the answer. I don’t know what the future holds. You think every month, something has got to give! But then it just doesn’t. You try to be less worried, less stressed, in order to help things along, but it’s hard. You’ve charted temperatures, tried to translate ovulation tests, which must require a decoder ring of some sort, because they are hardly as easy as the package and internet perceive them to be. It all feels silly and ridiculous and eventually you’re just standing there, over used pee sticks, thermometers, empty bottle of vitamins and you just say screw all of that and leave it up to nature, despite nature doing what it’s supposed to do.
My brother and sister-in-law were in town last weekend. She’s pregnant. Due in early spring. I said to her at one point, “It feels weird to not be pregnant together.” To which she agreed, because we spent two prior pregnancies comparing symptoms together. I can’t wait to hold my new niece or nephew, take in that newborn smell again, feel a tiny soul in my arms. I was able to feel the baby kick and I could feel it inside of myself, memories of babies rolling around inside of me. Lark got to feel the baby kick as well and she grinned the biggest grin of all of us. I’m thankful she got to experience that moment, as she’s longed for another sibling for awhile now. I’m sad that my kids haven’t experience their sibling in my womb, at least, so far…and I hope the day will come, but it was nice to see her interact with pregnant belly now that she understands a bit more about the process and since I can’t provide that experience for her right now. She interacted some when I was pregnant with Arlo, but was still so little. Arlo had no interest in the baby bump, of course hahaha…Just last week Lark asked me “Mommy, can we go find a baby?” And I again try and explain, in 4-year-old terms, how it all works. Yesterday she said “You have to put one in your belly first.” All I can muster up is, “We are trying, honey. We are trying.”
My children remind me to be thankful and they remind me of the days I spent pregnant, growing their tiny bodies. Happy memories that I’m so grateful to have and cling to when the sadness overcomes me. I had the honor of carrying two children within me. Something I know is a privilege and something I know a lot of women will never experience, for many different reasons. I long to be pregnant, but I also long for peace in my heart, whatever the outcome might be.