This was the first month in nearly a year that we didn’t try to get pregnant.
And I’m perfectly okay with that right now.
We just returned from a long holiday weekend visiting my brother and sister-in-law. They have three boys now, the two older ones being the same ages as Lark and Arlo, and a new little squish, who is almost two months old. We had a lot of fun and the kids had a blast. I spent a lot of time snuggling the new babe, surprising myself that I still had that thing, that magic that calms a fussy baby. I swayed, rocked, managed to squeeze a couple of smiles and coos out of him. It was bliss!
But I noticed something in myself that came as somewhat of a shock to me…I didn’t feel envious or even sad. I thought I’d feel bad for myself because I haven’t been able to pregnant, but I didn’t. I even watched her, going through the motions of newborn-ness, wondering if I even really desired it anymore…it was almost off-putting in a way.
I mentioned it to my husband in the car one afternoon during the weekend. My exact words were “I’m in a zen moment of not wanting another baby.” His response was “That is so weird coming from your mouth.” To which I agreed, because it’s true.
We haven’t decided to stop trying yet and I’m not comfortable with permanently making a decision if you get my drift, but I think a lot of it stems from the amount of time I’ve spent obsessing over it, being sad about it and also wondering why my body won’t work how it’s supposed to. Add in a pregnancy loss and it all just becomes muddy…a mess you can’t quite figure out or mop up in an easy way. I’m just tired.
To be honest, I thought I’d be done having kids right now. Our plan was to have a baby in spring of this year and that didn’t happen, so part of me feels unwilling to let the process continue. Part of my heart and mind are telling me to move on. And part of me actually wants to. My desire to birth a third baby has not gone away, but my desire to live my life with the babies I have without hurt is slowly starting to take precedence. I know, there’s couples out there that try for many more years than we have just to get ONE baby, or maybe never even get to that point and I feel so deeply for them…believe me, I do….If I hadn’t already had kids, I’d never give up…but I’m just tired. It’s an emotional roller coaster that JUST. NEVER. STOPS. I hate having to even say it, but it’s what everyone says to me to attempt to make me feel better, and that’s “be thankful for the children you have.” Can we just all agree that that is the worst thing to say? Don’t ever imply to us that we aren’t appreciative, because it should be obvious that we are entirely grateful for the children we have. I’m tired of people making others feel like they can’t feel emotions, like they can’t be selfish for a minute. Let people feel, damn it.
But it felt nice to let it go this month. It felt nice to not feel the pressure and it will be amazing to expect my period (even though that part sucks) because I know it’s coming and I won’t be wishing it’s not…freedom.
As for next month, or the month after, or the next…I don’t really know. I think I mostly just need a break. But I also feel at a place where I’m truly content with whatever happens, or doesn’t. It’s been a lot to work through.
I have a doctor appointment coming up in June for further testing and I’m not sure if I should keep it or cancel it. I’d been meaning to write an update about our current fertility and miscarriage struggles, but time just gets away from me. It’s also just a lot of feelings to try and convey, so I think I procrastinate because of that. I even found my pregnancy tests I kept from the miscarriage recently and it just brought back a lot of feelings…I really should throw them out and I think I can now, it was just hard to let go of at the time.
Back in March, and after having a miscarriage in the winter, I went in for a visit with my OB. Within five minutes of talking to her, she was certain I suffer from PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). That wasn’t the first time I had heard this as it was presented to me back in 2016 when I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant. I’d read about it a few times, but being that I had children and PCOS is a cause for infertility due to not ovulating, I never thought it was an issue I had. Until she enlightened me on what it REALLY means. PCOS is a metabolic disorder, not a reproductive disorder. It just happens to mess up your reproductive process because hormones get “de”regulated and things go haywire. There’s a part of PCOS that revolves around blood sugar and insulin called insulin resistance. Meaning that your body can’t properly respond to sugar because it’s literally resistant to insulin. You can’t change it and it can’t be cured, but it can be controlled. She ordered a TON of bloodwork and eventually settled on treating me with a pill that helps control blood sugar called Metformin which is typically used for patients who are diabetic or pre-diabetic (or even at risk, like women with PCOS). She also offered up Clomid and Femara to help the process along. They both help you ovulate, but also have a higher probability of twins, etc, and I just didn’t feel ready for that route of treatment. In this whole process I didn’t want ANY sort of intervention, but here we are…
I was put off by taking any sort of pill, but I researched Metformin and felt relatively positive about it. After researching insulin resistance, I also felt a weight lifted off of me regarding various other health issues I have that could likely be connected to this that I’ve struggled with for years. For YEARS, and I mean YEARS, I’ve thought I maybe had an issue with blood sugar, but I’m not diabetic so I always just brush it off. I’ve dealt with numbness and tingling, for instance, for almost 15 years that was mostly unexplained. I went through a hell of an experience in 2008 where doctors thought I had MS, but again, no real explanations…but then this all happened and I learned of insulin resistance. I was actually angry. You may have seen my rant on Instagram stories about it. I was angry that all of these things may have been explained by PCOS and no one considered it. You see a relatively healthy person who has all of these issues that are triggered my hormonal imbalance, yet, you don’t even check?! I won’t get into my full opinion on it, but it still pisses me off.
At any rate, I left the appointment with a prescription for Metformin and a positive outlook. She wanted to see me after 3 months if I hadn’t gotten pregnant to do some additional testing, but she was certain I wouldn’t need it. Yet…here we are…
I’ve been taking Metformin since then and it’s been brutal. The only real side effect is stomach and digestive distress and let me tell you, they don’t lie. I’ve felt pregnant all along because I’m nauseous nearly every day, have every food aversion under the sun and even missed work at the beginning because I was so sick. But, on the other hand, within days I almost had full feeling back in my right arm. I haven’t had full feeling in parts of my arm for years and now I do. The tingling is almost non-existent, unless I really overdo it with junk food or miss a pill, and those things in and of themselves are miraculous in my book. I’m not swelling like I used to, I’m down 9lbs without even trying and I’ve been struggling to drop any weight since having Arlo (to the point where I’ve basically given up on it)…I could go on and on with positives, but I’m glad it’s been helpful to me. I know I can do so much more by controlling my diet, especially since looking back I was on low-carb and low-sugar diets both times I got pregnant before, it’s just been hard to get back on track. Especially when the meds make you feel lousy and you crave bad food! It feels like the side effects of the Metformin are calming down a bit now, but I still have bad days. It’s a process…
The only thing it hasn’t done is help me get pregnant…so that part sucks and now I’m here, almost 3 months later, feeling conflicted and wondering if I should even take the additional testing. In the midst of it all, my bloodwork came back mostly normal, borderline on things like blood sugar, Cholesterol and the like, so I am wondering if she will even consider it true PCOS anymore, because my bloodwork would tell you I’m ovulating just fine, but PCOS affects everyone in different ways, so who really knows at this point?! I’m so confused, but it’s clear my body has issues with both blood sugar and hormones, so at least I’ve gotten some answers about that part.
So that’s where we’re at, in a nutshell. I have no idea what to think anymore, what to feel anymore…I feel a bit numb right now. My husband jokes that this will be when it happens now, because I am sort of leaning towards not having another baby…but I guess time will tell. I just really want to move on from all of the anxiety and pain, whatever that path happens to be. I just feel done. And I guess I just feel like it’s time to get on with life, either have that baby or don’t, because there’s more to life that I want to do and see and just be stuck in this constant state of “will I or won’t I?”
Life is a book and I’m just ready for a new chapter.